With the advent of the holiday season I find myself feeling more isolated than usual. If you've looked over this blog carefully you know that I suffer from extreme chemical
sensitivities. That means the merest whiff of a product with any degree of
petroleum or synthetic chemicals in it gives me, at the very least, a headache
that lasts for 24 hours on average. More typically I will have not only the
headache but also chills, become lightheaded, sometimes nauseous, and suffer an inability
to think or process information. My reactions slow, and my temper flares. I’ve
been known to unaccountably burst into tears. These reactions are most often short-lived,
but they tend to be followed by depression. Consequently, negative
reinforcement has made it preferable for me to stay home, inside my detoxified
little house, and have very limited contact with people outside of my immediate
family. Given that I am naturally a more solitary individual than most people seem
to be this isn’t usually a hardship. However, it does take a toll over time, and the holidays can be especially difficult. Everyone else seems to be running around doing things and going places and here I sit, all but trapped within the walls of my home.
While I may be more comfortable in
my solitude than others, I am also an artist who feeds on visual and tactile
stimulation. Textiles or fibers are my medium of choice. Back in the day I was
an active member of embroidery and quilt groups. I went to shows, galleries,
and exhibits as often as I could. I loved to browse department stores and craft
markets. Shopping, although not necessarily buying, was an effective way to
fill my artistic well because I could touch as well as see the delights on
offer. The experience of being among other people, even if I didn’t interact
with them directly, was energizing. (Most of the time anyway. Everyone has bad
shopping experiences!) All of this has been taken away from me - unless I want
to pay a very high price for a very short excursion. The brevity of my
endurance is just as frustrating as not going at all.
I am fortunate to live in a time when
I can shop online. I can still purchase supplies, I can see what others are
making, and I can converse with them after a fashion. The challenge for me is
that I’m not technologically inclined. If it weren’t for my chemical
sensitivities I probably wouldn’t use a computer for anything other than email.
I’m not interested in going digital in any sense of the word. In that respect I’m
a Luddite. In fact, I still have a flip phone, not a smart phone. While the
computer makes it possible for me to stay more-or-less connected with the
outside world it cannot replace the experience of seeing a quilt or painting in
person, of handling a ceramic vase, or give me the ability to turn something
over to see the back or bottom of a piece. It can be hard to get an accurate
idea of the size of an object when you only see a picture of it, never mind the
accuracy of color representation! The virtual feast offered by blogs and
Pinterest, etc. is helpful but often unsatisfactory.
Occasionally, all of these factors
combine and overwhelm me. Creativity comes to a halt. There isn’t energy or
desire even for mindless piecing. I find that truly frightening. Fortunately,
there have only been a handful of times when this state of being persisted.
Books and movies seem to provide a useful escape. I just have to remember not
to panic, to trust that “this too shall pass,” and ride the wave. I am grateful
to have been blessed with the gift of faith. I may grouse and complain during
difficult times but underneath it all I have confidence that God knows my
suffering and will turn it to good purpose eventually. I just have to "hang in there baby!" 😉
